Secret Thoughts of Mothers

That time has come again for me.  The time no mother wants to admit but we have all felt at one time or another...the feeling of not being good enough and dare I put it in print?  The feeling that sometimes being "just" a mom is not enough.  

I also knew that I wanted to go to college, get married and eventually have children but I never imagined being a stay at home mom.  I had a considerable amount of respect for my mom and the time she put into spending with my brother and I as a stay at home mom, but I just never envisioned that as being enough for me.  Scarily, I was right.  Some days, I really want to get up, get dressed up and head off to work in a shiny new car, get patted on the back for a job well done and come home to my babies with a fat paycheck in hand.  Instead, I am lucky to make it out of my pajamas, jump in my 7 year old car (ok, ok, it's a nice one but it IS 7 years old!) to take the kids to a play date or the library and my pat on the back is the occasional hug from my almost 3-year-old and some crusty spit-up hair courtesy of my two month old.  Paycheck?  Ha!  Instead I find myself cutting back on extras, which turn out to be the perks for me like having shiny blond hair and perfectly pedicured toes, so that we can afford to continue being a single income family.  My dark roots and toes are none too happy with this arrangement.

This is where mommy-guilt comes in.  If you stay at home with your children but miss nice clothes, hair you actually get to blow dry every day and your own paycheck, you feel like a bad mother.  If you go to work and miss your child's first steps or first words, you feel like a bad mother.  It's as if the moment you become pregnant your happiness and self-satisfaction is 100% dependent on this little bean...and it stays that way forever.

I am not ungrateful that I am able to stay at home, don't misread what I am saying.  I simply miss being "me" sometimes, like today.  I'm sure a big part is being two months postpartum, hormonal and with some weight to lose.  When your roots are showing and your clothes don't fit, things don't seem quite right.  I am incredibly thankful my husband has a job and works long, hard hours so that I can be at home to play games with our kids, teach them to be the incredible human beings they are becoming and to cook good, healthy foods every meal.  (Nutrition is very important to us and for that reason alone I would have a very hard time ever leaving them at daycare so I could work.)
I know that I need to be patient with myself in adjusting to life as a mom of two, but as moms, we are always the hardest on ourselves.  Ideally, I would have a perfectly clean house, the tv would never get flipped on, the seemingly endless mountain of laundry would not only be clean, but folded and put away, my son would be potty trained and we would work diligently on our letters, number and imagination play for hours.  That is my life in the stepford wives version playing like a movie in my head.  It's the version I compare myself to when I fall flat.  It feels like some days I wake up and step out of bed doing it all wrong; we watch too much tv that day or I lose my patience with my toddler.  Then there are days we don't get out of our pj's, I don't cook dinner and we scramble for leftovers last minute.  You get the picture.  Lame mom days.
This is where if I were reading this about a friend I would interject about not needing to be perfect, you're a good mom, etc.  I'm starting to think I need to do a better job of treating myself like I would a friend rather than being so self-critical.

I felt like I needed to blog about this feeling today even though it has nothing to do with being green.  There are many of you moms out there feeling like I do and I want to reassure that you are not alone.  I understand what you are going through and I truly believe it is normal, natural and only disproves that self-doubt that maybe we aren't great moms....we are!  I think being a great mom means we have to keep a little something for ourselves...What do you do to remain YOU?  Leave a comment, I want to know

Welcome To The World Baby Girl

If you have read my previous posts you know that this post is special: the story of my daughter's birth...at home, invention-free and the conclusion to a long self-journey.  Here's how it all unfolded:  
My mom came into town on the 2nd of December as baby's "due" date was the 5th. On the 1st (39 weeks and 5 days, the exact date at which her brother arrived) I began having contractions. They were irregular, 5-10 min apart for oh, about 20 hours. Yes, 20 hours. Well, fast forward a week and still no baby. Just lots of contractions on the road to nowhere. My mom was due to leave on the 11th, but decided not to chance it and switched her flight to leave a few days later. By the 9th, contractions were picking up again and they seemed "different" somehow and I debated whether to have my midwife come out or not. I ended up in tears on the phone with her because I just couldn't decide if this was "real" or not and definitely didn't want to waste her time. Up until about 39 weeks I had been good and patient and not at all ready for baby to arrive. It was the contractions tricking me day in and day out that started to wear on me to the point where I finally decided I WAS ready and needed baby here pronto. Well, after hearing my tears, my sweet midwife arrived at my door with a brownie and ice cream. We also decided to check my cervix (until this point we had done no checks) and I was dilated to a 2...we felt comfortable with everyone getting some sleep and checking in the next morning.
Well, by 3 am the contractions had picked up enough that I felt ready to call in the team. My girlfriends had all had very brief second labors and I wasn't taking any chances that my support would not be here!
Uh..."short" for me turned out to be 8 hours, not the 1 or 2 my girlfriends all had. During labor I actually mentioned this to my midwife and MAY have called these girls a not-so-nice name...maybe...
Like my labor with my son, I vomited. Unlike that labor, I was encouraged to eat (which I did not want to do) and drink (which they forced me to do) and they held peppermint oil under my nose to stave off the worst of the sickness. My doula reminded me at one point to just focus on the contraction at hand, not to worry about the ones to come. I didn't say anything but inwardly I thought, "There's going to be ANOTHER contraction?!" I had all the intentions in the world of studying hypnobabies (a self hypnosis technique to help with relaxation during labor) but never found the time to complete the program. I guess I picked up enough of it though because in between contractions I would drift off into a deep rest. It wasn't quite sleep, but it helped.
The funny part of all this is that 5 feet away, our son was sound asleep in our bed. When he awoke at 7am to a room full of people he was completely unphased. He said hello to everyone and then went to find my mom who kept him busy all morning. Occasionally I heard him in the other room and later found out that my mom had told him I was "singing" and so he also decided to "sing" to baby to come out. Too cute.
Around 8am things picked up for me. My poor husband...every time I needed to use the bathroom I would nearly cry because standing up I would have a contraction, have another on the way to the bathroom, another before I sat on the toilet, would have to stand up WHILE I was on the toilet to have one...the whole time gripping his shoulders with my life yelling at him to push my back, which he said he was doing but I totally couldn't feel it. Sidenote: the next day I had horrible aching in my back from all that counterpressure I "couldn't feel."

I hadn't slept since I had been awake with contractions, so I decided to lay in bed and just ride the contractions out there...they slowed a bit and again, I drifted off between contractions that I got enough rest to make it through, thank goodness. I remember at one point looking at my doula and almost panicking, saying, "I'm getting a break. Why am I getting a break? I don't want a break because it will suck soon!"

My midwife asked me to get up from the bed because clearly my labor progressed faster when I stood. I went into the bathroom and at one point was holding onto the faucet thinking how mad my husband would be if I pulled it off because I remember how expensive and hard to install it was. Eventually, I somehow ended up on all fours. Apparently I made a different sound because all of a sudden my midwife, who had been in another room, was there asking if I wanted to have my baby in front of the toilet. I had been getting SLAMMED the last few minutes with contractions and couldn't see an end in sight, so I really didn't know why she was asking me that, but I logically said, "Well, THAT doesn't seem sanitary!" It was strange because I still had not lost my plug nor had my water broken. On all fours, though, I was involuntarily pushing at the end of the contractions and could feel a strange bulging which I assumed was my bag of waters.I got into the tub and on the second contraction there was a POP and my water broke. Then my midwife started giving my husband directions on how to catch the baby...I remember thinking, REALLY? NOW? I had worked so hard for so long, though I refused to look at the clock, but was somehow surprised that it would actually be over soon. I pushed for 10 min and yelled, "COME ON BABY!" and out came my 8lb 12oz baby girl at 12:15 pm. My husband caught her, actually describing her to me as she came out, telling me she had hair and that he was touching her nose. Everyone told me I should try to look...but I couldn't because I was clinging to the side of the tub with everyone behind me and I was afraid to let go in fear I couldn't get my balance, mental or physical, back again. As soon as she was out we called my mom and son in, who said, "Hi baby!" He was so excited!

Holding my baby in my arms for the first time washed away any tiredness I had. What an amazing rush!

The moments after a homebirth are like nothing you can ever experience in a hospital. No mayhem, no bright lights. More importantly, I was never made to feel scared that my baby's heartrate was dropping or threatened with a c-section if things didn't progress on an abstract timeline. Lying in my bed, I suddenly looked down and said, "I have a BABY!" I gazed into my baby's eyes and she gazed back and I was so overwhelmed that I began to cry...shortly followed by my midwife, her assistant and my mother. It was truly one of the best moments of my life.

If you are pregnant or planning to become pregnant I highly recommend watching The Business of Being Born and reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.  Be educated on your choices!

Deal of The Day Addiction Pays Off

First, let me start by apologizing...I promise to tell my planned homebirth story soon but this deal came up I had to share.  

I check my email in the mornings and see a host of messages of great deals being offered out in cyberspace.  Some I buy, some I just pass along and most I just pass up altogether.  My go-to sites are www.babyhalfoff.com, www.kidsteals.com, www.babysteals.com, and www.ecobabybuys.com in case you were wondering.  (I have gotten some great bargains on cloth diapers through these sites.)  A friend posted another site on her Facebook page called DealPulp and that particular day they were running a very "green" deal...a credit to thredUP, a clothing exchange.  So naturally, I wanted to learn more.  This is the information I found on their website: 

How does this work, exactly?

Very simply put, it works like this: pick a box you like, pay $5 plus shipping, prepare a box of items that no longer fit your child, when someone picks your box, send it for free. Here is the step-by-step version:

PICK - Browse boxes listed in the thredUP community and select one you'd like to receive. Hopefully, by now, you have your friends on thredUP so you can just pick their boxes. If you're busy, tell us your clothing preferences and the experts at thredUP can choose a box for you.

PAY - Once you've picked your box, all you pay is $5 plus shipping to have it delivered.

PREPARE - As part of this process, you are required (this is a swap after all!) to list a box of clothes that your child no longer wears. We'll ask for basic details such as types of clothing, number of items, colors, brands, season and sizes. Don't worry, the USPS will mail you empty boxes for your gently used clothes.

SEND - When someone picks your box, thredUP will alert you and ask you to send this box. It is free to send boxes on thredUP because the recipient pays the shipping. You'll be able to print the shipping label and schedule the pickup all in one click. Would you rather drop it off at the Post Office? No problem! Just cancel the pickup and leave a note for your postal carrier. As soon as your box is tracked by the USPS, you will see your box status has been changed to "shipped" in your thredUP closet.

I scooped up the deal and immediately signed up for an account on thredUP.  Upon signing up, I got a nice surprise...I had a $5 credit posted to my account for being new and it said my first box would be 50% off!  I decided to scout out boxes and found one loaded with spring, Gymboree and Gap clothes for my daughter.  (I promise, son, the next box will be for you!)  It cost me $2.98!   My next box will be free because I paid $6 on Deal Pulp using credits I received when others joined the site at my suggestion.

I received 7 outfits (dresses and bloomers, one with a matching sweater and one onesie with shorts), 3 onesies, and 2 shorts onesies.  All in all, I received 21 stain-free pieces of clothing!  Even at the $5 price plus shipping it would have been a great deal, but at $2.98 is was a downright steal!  Now I have 4 jobs:  review the sender (positively of course!), build a box to post on the website, order a box for my neglected son, and spread the word!  

This is a great way to be green (see my post about buying organic vs. buying used) and save money.  

If you would like to join either site, here are my links: 

http://www.thredup.com/134445 

and 

http://dealpulp.com/i/292kjrxy

UPDATE 2/12/2010

So, since my last post I have officially become addicted.  I have 

received two more boxes (and sent out 4).  These boxes were 

actually for me and not the kids, though.  I found I was in need 

of some items that I just didn't want to put a lot of money into, 

like larger clothes, since I am still losing the baby weight.  I found

some ladies kind enough to put together boxes filled with all the 

items a postpartum mommy needs: nursing tops, a sling, a brand 

new nursing bra, and jeans a size bigger than what I currently own. 

These boxes were STUFFED, like sit-on-the-box-to-get-it-to-close

stuffed!  Each sender added some extra items for me or the kids 

and each box warmed my heart by the obvious amount of thought

put into each.  I now call ThredUP the "good karma" exchange. 

In Search of Food...

I am always searching for the best deal on organic foods.  When we moved into our new home I had part of the yard sectioned off to form a garden.  I still have grand plans for that garden, even though I have no idea what I am doing.   In the meantime, I have participated in Desert Roots Farm CSA, Bountiful Baskets Co-op and gone to various farmer's markets.  This week I tried a new source of local, organic (though not "certified") produce: The Backyard Farmer. Delivered right to my door, I had until Sunday night to pick exactly what I wanted.

Here is the contents of my box for which I paid $38.50. I ended up with 2 lbs each of kidney and pinto beans, 1/2 lb of spinach, 3 heads of garlic, 4 lemons, 1 oz basil, 1 lb broccoli, 2 heads of bok choy, 1 bunch of kale, 2 heads of romaine, 2 lbs of yams, radishes, 3 tomato vine clusters and 1 lb of heirloom tomatoes.  There are some bulk buys I want to do in the future and attempt to learn the art of canning.
In comparison to the grocery store, I think some things would have cost a little less and some about the same...BUT, this is local and delivered to my door (no delivery fee).  I think it is important to support our local, small businesses and farmers so that they don't disappear.  I think it is more important to know where your food comes from. If I have any questions about the origins of my beautiful bunch of kale, I can talk to the person that grew it!

I also used this morning's delivery as a learning opportunity.  My son was so excited to pull out the contents of the box!  We talked about how many yams we had and what color the lemons are...things I should do at the grocery store, but am too intent on making it out with everything on my list without a major meltdown.

I am so excited to use my fresh (picked within the last 2 days!) produce in a new recipe I found for roasted tomato soup on Thursday.  As for tonight...stir fry!  You can email The Backyard Farmer at thebackyardfarmer@live.com to receive his weekly order form and learn more about how the process works.
Where do you go for your best organic buys?

Next post... results of my planned homebirth.