That time has come again for me. The time no mother wants to admit but we have all felt at one time or another...the feeling of not being good enough and dare I put it in print? The feeling that sometimes being "just" a mom is not enough.
I also knew that I wanted to go to college, get married and eventually have children but I never imagined being a stay at home mom. I had a considerable amount of respect for my mom and the time she put into spending with my brother and I as a stay at home mom, but I just never envisioned that as being enough for me. Scarily, I was right. Some days, I really want to get up, get dressed up and head off to work in a shiny new car, get patted on the back for a job well done and come home to my babies with a fat paycheck in hand. Instead, I am lucky to make it out of my pajamas, jump in my 7 year old car (ok, ok, it's a nice one but it IS 7 years old!) to take the kids to a play date or the library and my pat on the back is the occasional hug from my almost 3-year-old and some crusty spit-up hair courtesy of my two month old. Paycheck? Ha! Instead I find myself cutting back on extras, which turn out to be the perks for me like having shiny blond hair and perfectly pedicured toes, so that we can afford to continue being a single income family. My dark roots and toes are none too happy with this arrangement.
This is where mommy-guilt comes in. If you stay at home with your children but miss nice clothes, hair you actually get to blow dry every day and your own paycheck, you feel like a bad mother. If you go to work and miss your child's first steps or first words, you feel like a bad mother. It's as if the moment you become pregnant your happiness and self-satisfaction is 100% dependent on this little bean...and it stays that way forever.
I am not ungrateful that I am able to stay at home, don't misread what I am saying. I simply miss being "me" sometimes, like today. I'm sure a big part is being two months postpartum, hormonal and with some weight to lose. When your roots are showing and your clothes don't fit, things don't seem quite right. I am incredibly thankful my husband has a job and works long, hard hours so that I can be at home to play games with our kids, teach them to be the incredible human beings they are becoming and to cook good, healthy foods every meal. (Nutrition is very important to us and for that reason alone I would have a very hard time ever leaving them at daycare so I could work.)
I know that I need to be patient with myself in adjusting to life as a mom of two, but as moms, we are always the hardest on ourselves. Ideally, I would have a perfectly clean house, the tv would never get flipped on, the seemingly endless mountain of laundry would not only be clean, but folded and put away, my son would be potty trained and we would work diligently on our letters, number and imagination play for hours. That is my life in the stepford wives version playing like a movie in my head. It's the version I compare myself to when I fall flat. It feels like some days I wake up and step out of bed doing it all wrong; we watch too much tv that day or I lose my patience with my toddler. Then there are days we don't get out of our pj's, I don't cook dinner and we scramble for leftovers last minute. You get the picture. Lame mom days.
This is where if I were reading this about a friend I would interject about not needing to be perfect, you're a good mom, etc. I'm starting to think I need to do a better job of treating myself like I would a friend rather than being so self-critical.
I know that I need to be patient with myself in adjusting to life as a mom of two, but as moms, we are always the hardest on ourselves. Ideally, I would have a perfectly clean house, the tv would never get flipped on, the seemingly endless mountain of laundry would not only be clean, but folded and put away, my son would be potty trained and we would work diligently on our letters, number and imagination play for hours. That is my life in the stepford wives version playing like a movie in my head. It's the version I compare myself to when I fall flat. It feels like some days I wake up and step out of bed doing it all wrong; we watch too much tv that day or I lose my patience with my toddler. Then there are days we don't get out of our pj's, I don't cook dinner and we scramble for leftovers last minute. You get the picture. Lame mom days.
This is where if I were reading this about a friend I would interject about not needing to be perfect, you're a good mom, etc. I'm starting to think I need to do a better job of treating myself like I would a friend rather than being so self-critical.
I felt like I needed to blog about this feeling today even though it has nothing to do with being green. There are many of you moms out there feeling like I do and I want to reassure that you are not alone. I understand what you are going through and I truly believe it is normal, natural and only disproves that self-doubt that maybe we aren't great moms....we are! I think being a great mom means we have to keep a little something for ourselves...What do you do to remain YOU? Leave a comment, I want to know
I know how you feel. But I know I am not cut out for a 9-5 job. I do find that I get lost in the laundry, poopy diapers and crayon art work on the walls.
ReplyDeleteI find my way back through music. I am in a band called Harcuvar, laid back indie rock. I feel when I get to go to practice or better yet when I get to perform at a show, I am happy. I have taken time for me and what I love.
You're definitely not alone. I remember having these same feelings after I had Maude. It was so hard (and still is) to look at the piles of laundry and dishes. I felt a lot more on top of it with just one child and then to add two...a big change. However, I know that I wouldn't be happy working full time. Home is where I'm meant to be. I was talking to someone the other day about this and they pointed out that the first 5 years are the most impressionable for children. That increased my desire to stay home even more (but boy could we use the money if I worked) because who do I want influencing my children right now? I'll take me...even if it's on a lame mom day. I get myself down all the time with such negative self-talk and I'm trying to break the cycle...you are so not alone in that. I take time for me by blogging and researching about birth/food/etc because those things make me feel alive.
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the most wonderful mothers I know! You are the mother I wish I could be!
ReplyDeleteI could write a novel (and almost did) about how much I admire you, and how much being a working parent really isn't that neat.
Right now you are in a house with a toddler and a newborn. You are probably feeling a little more trapped than you were before. This will pass. As your beautiful children continue to grow into the smart, strong, independent children that I know they will become, you will look back at this time with nostalgia.
I don't really think the grass is any greener on one side than the other. I think that every single one of us is plagued with guilt. The only thing that we can do as mothers is remember that we are all (on both sides of the fence) doing the best for our kids the best way that we can...and that we all think we're doing a terrible job from time to time, and mother's guilt is inescapable. But that doesn't mean that is logical or deserved.
Email me and I will send you my scavenger hunt! :o) -Angela K (Creative Homemaker)
ReplyDeleteangkyn at gmail dot com
This post is 95% close to what I also feel like sometimes. I only have one little love though. Great post! Your an awesome mom! I'm your newest follower from MBC. Stop by my blog when you get a chance!
ReplyDeletewww.loveblisslife.com